


Warm Again

by fictionsparks



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pain Beyond Belief, Pining, Shit storm, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:07:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25824145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fictionsparks/pseuds/fictionsparks
Summary: Sugawara Koushi wasn’t one to fall in love easily. He didn’t do school dances, or write valentines to girls. That just wasn’t his style.But, even the best laid plans…
Relationships: Sawamura Daichi & Sugawara Koushi, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 7
Kudos: 86





	Warm Again

_ “...Sunlight _

_ at last can grant a name _

_ to a buried and a burning flame _

_ as love and its decisive pain, oh my _

_ sunlight…” _

_ “Sunlight” _

_ Andrew Hozier-Byrne _

  
  


Sugawara Koushi wasn’t one to fall in love easily. He didn’t do school dances, or write valentines to girls. That just wasn’t his style.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to fall in love, but he’d seen what these frivolous romances brought people. He’d seen the heartache, the pain, and the fallout ruin many high school friendships. For the life of him, Suga couldn’t understand why people would put their heart and soul into something that clearly wasn’t going to work out. Well, statistically speaking. 

In fact, he had made a secret self-promise to wait until after high school, or even after finding a job, before letting himself think about romance. Suga thought he was a very smart man for that unspoken rule. 

But, even the best laid plans… 

He first suspected he was slipping the day of his seventeenth birthday.

Suga really didn’t want to celebrate. He was only going to order some food and invite his friends over. Just like every year, he specifically instructed them to not bring any gifts, and just like every year, they brought them anyway. 

Kiyoko was the first one to show up, being fifteen minutes early, with a plainly wrapped parcel in her arms. Then, Asahi arrived, sheepishly handing over a small, purple bag which was deceptively heavy. Daichi appeared last, refusing to hand over the wide box he brought with him for fear of Suga figuring out what was in it. 

Asahi got up first, as soon as the meal was over, and placed his gift in Suga’s hand. “Come on! Open it up, Birthday Boy!”

“You didn't have to get me anything,” Suga reminded them, but reluctantly accepted the gift.

“We know.” Suga gently lifted the paper inside the bag, then reached in to pull out a tiny potted plant. Asahi continued, “It’s a Houseleek succulent. They’re really easy to care for, so you can’t kill it.”

“Butthead! I’ll have you know I’m great with plants,” Suga joked, placing the pot on the table in front of him. “But thank you. This is beautiful.”

“Oh, well…” Asahi blushed. “Okay, it’s Kiyoko’s turn now.”

“Fine.” She handed over the parcel. “I hope you like it.”

Suga’s eyes got wide once the wrapping was off. “Oh my God! Where did you find this?” He was holding a Sagawa Chika poem anthology. The poet had only recently gained fame, despite her being dead for well over half a century, but she was quickly becoming notorious. 

“I picked it up when I visited Hokkaido.”

“Thank you!” Suga enveloped her in a big hug, with a giant smile on his face. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

“Okay, okay. Break it up, lovebirds,” Daichi laughed as he grabbed his box off the table, and plopped it down. “It’s my turn!” 

Suga gave it a mischievous little shake, listening to the contents rustle. “Oh, I know! You got me a pony!”

“Shut up and open it, Koushi.”

“You’re no fun,” Suga said, sticking out his tongue, then getting to work untying the ribbon. Once undone, he lifted the lid and peered inside. 

There, in the box, was a sweater. It was blue and white, knitted with a thick cord. 

Asahi laughed, but Suga beamed anyway. “Shut up, Asahi! I love it. I’m going to try it on!”

This time, Kiyoko laughed. “Suga, it’s June. You’ll die of heat stroke.”

“It’s my birthday, and I can do what I want!” 

So he skipped off to his room, changing out of his outfit and looking for pants that would pair well with his new gift. Once he finally found what he was looking for, he headed back, but paused when he heard Asahi and Daichi whispering. 

“I can’t believe you got him a sweater! You’re like a grandmother.”

“What’s wrong with a sweater? He said he liked it.”

“When did he say that?”

“When we went shopping. He said he liked it so I got it for him.”

“Well, okay, Casanova. Remember to invite me to your wedding.”

Suga heard what sounded like a punch, probably from Daichi, then Kiyoko piped up with, “Can you two stop it?”

Did Daichi really remember he’d liked it? Honestly, Suga had forgotten about that shopping trip. It must have been months ago. How sweet of him. How sweet of them all, really. But, specifically Daichi. 

Suga skipped back into the room, pretending like he hadn’t been waiting in the hall the whole time. He raised his arms and gave them a little swirl, while in a sing-song voice asking, “How do I look?”

“Hot,” Kiyoko dead-panned.

“Aw, thank you!”

“No. As in, it’s June and you’re going to overheat. Take off the sweater.”

She finally convinced him, but only after thirty minutes once he started to warm up. Asahi continued to poke fun at Daichi, who responded that at least his gift wasn’t an insult to Suga’s horticultural skills. Despite the jests, Daichi continued to smile all night. He was beaming. 

Suga wasn’t quite sure why, but he wasn’t complaining. 

That night, he picked up all the boxes and bags left over from his gifts. Suga’s mom liked to save them all, so they wouldn’t have to keep buying more. He rustled through some of the tissue paper in the bags to make sure there weren’t any forgotten gifts or stray cards.

He didn’t happen to check inside a box, given to him by Sawamura Daichi. 

— — —

_ “You who know me, tell me who I am, _

_ who is a friend, and who an enemy. _

_ A murderous river has been unleashed _

_ into my veins; hatred beats in it.” _

_ “Blackout” _

_ Faiz Ahmed Faiz _

Sugawara Koushi wasn’t one to fall in love easily, but jealousy was a different beast altogether. It was unbecoming on him, and it was how he knew he had definitely broken his rule. 

It happened the first time he had seen Daichi with her. She was a cute, petite, blond who was in the class below them, and she was sitting in Suga’s seat. He had only left for a moment to grab a drink from the vending machine, and some blonde with nice boobs had replaced him. 

Suga felt like throwing up. 

Daichi was engrossed in apparently riveting conversation, not caring that the original occupant of the seat was coming back. Suga hovered in the doorway long enough to severely detest what he saw. Daichi had on that stupid grin, the one that made him squint his eyes, so there was no way he was seeing the way she looked at him. 

He had to intervene. 

Suga made his way over, placing his drink on the desk before asking, “I’m sorry, but do you mind if I have my seat back?” He made extra sure to smile.

“Oh! I’m so sorry,” she apologized, in such a sweet voice. She must have taken acting lessons, since Suga almost believed she was genuine. The blond turned back. “Will you call me later, Sawamura?”

“Of course,” responded Daichi, the idiot. 

When she was out of earshot and gone from sight, Suga sat down, his smile long gone. “So, who was the kiss-ass?”

“Koushi! Don’t be rude.”

“I’m just saying…”

“She needed a tutor for her literature class, and apparently the teacher recommended she ask me.”

“Literature? But, I was the one who helped you pass that class,” Suga complained, fiddling with the straw of his drink absentmindedly. 

“We don’t have to tell her that.”

“Well, you should! You’re probably going to make her grades worse.”

Daichi smacked the back of his head gently. “Real nice, Suga. Glad you have faith in me.”

“I don’t,” Suga replied, sticking his tongue out. The two of them continued to bicker like that until Asahi returned from the bathroom and made them actually eat their lunch. 

By the time practice was over, Suga had made his peace with it. 

What was really the harm, anyway? The poor soul was probably desperate. She probably was on the verge of failing, or being expelled from school. Daichi was probably her last chance, her saving grace. Suga couldn’t complain. In fact, he respected someone willing to ask for help. 

That didn’t mean he had to like her. 

Suga yelled at the straggling first-years to finish up in the gym, then he headed towards the club room. His knee pad was sweaty and chaffing, and he needed a change of clothes. Most of all, he was just ready to go home.

Some of the others were already changed, having left a little earlier. Asahi looked ready to go, and a few second years as well. 

“Ah, Suga, there you are.” Daichi was in the corner, almost fully in street clothes, minus a shirt. “Tell me, do you think I need a haircut?”

“A what? Why are you concerned about your haircut?”

“I just think it’s grown out a bit too much. I’m not sure if it’s a good look.”

“Well, if you must know,” Suga began, before pulling off his sweaty shirt, “I think you look better with longer hair, but it’s up to you.”

“You don’t think it’s too shabby?” Daichi was about an inch away from the mirror, and Suga wasn’t quite sure he could really see anything from that close up. 

“I just said I liked it.” Suga shoved his dirty clothes in his bag, then continued. “What is this even about, man?”

“Well, that girl you met at lunch? She’s going to come over sometime this week.” The boys immediately began a chorus of oohs and ahs, while an even more immature second-year wolf whistled. Dachi blushed. “It’s nothing like that! I just want to look good!”

“He’s in love!” One of the first-years teased.

“I am not!”

Suga had finished getting dressed, so he zipped his bag closed, snatched it off the bench, and made his way outside. “Well, you two just make sure you actually study. I wouldn’t want Miss Kiss-Ass failing because you two decide to suck face,” he remarked, not caring that he let the door slam behind him. 

That night, Suga did the whole week’s worth of math homework, making notes on what content he should ask the teacher about before he had to turn it in. Then, he decided to read ahead in his history textbook and assigned literature reading. 

He didn’t stop until after midnight, so he was too tired to respond to the texts from Asahi and Daichi. 

He didn’t want to talk to them anyway. 

— — —

_ “I am not yours, not lost in you, _

_ Not lost, although I long to be _

_ Lost as a candle lit at noon, _

_ Lost as a snowflake in the sea.” _

_ “I Am Not Yours” _

_ Sara Teasdale _

_ “ _ _ Lost to my longing sight,  _

_ And nothing left to me _

_ Save an oncoming night,— _

_ An empty sea.” _

_ “Through Time and Bitter Distance”  
_ _ E. Pauline Johnson _

Sugawara Koushi didn’t know why he was feeling this way. He didn’t have any explanation that could account for the way he acted. He felt foolish and angry, but he was in too deep to back out now. 

Apparently, he had caused a scene when he left practice. Suga saw about fifteen unread texts when he finally opened his eyes the next day, all asking how he was feeling or if something was wrong. 

He typed out a vague response to all of them. He was just tired and grumpy, and that he had a lot to do that night. 

He didn’t say why he was tired or grumpy, because even Suga wasn’t quite sure about that. 

He left early for school. 

When he got there, he sent a quick message to Daichi and Asahi explaining that he needed to read something before class so he wouldn’t be joining them today. When lunch rolled around, he excused himself from the table and went instead to his math teacher, who was glad that he was working ahead and answered all his questions, even showing him tricky bits that would be on the test. 

Suga went through the motions during practice, helping out some of the younger students with their technique, but he was the first one out of the gymnasium and the first one back in street clothes. 

He left with a wave and a smile, which dropped as soon as the door shut behind him. 

He only got to the bottom of the staircase before hearing someone following behind him. Asahi was jogging up to him, still tugging on his jacket and with his bag partially unzipped, calling, “Wait up, Suga!” 

When he had finally caught up, the two began walking together. Asahi’s voice went soft. “So, are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, Asahi…”

“Oh, yes, something is definitely wrong,” he said, as the two began crossing the street. “Look, you don’t have to tell me anything, but, if there’s something I can do, you just let me know, okay?”

Suga sighed. “Fine. But, there’s nothing wrong.”

Asahi laughed and shook his head, saying, “Whatever, man. Now, what do you want to eat? I’m starving!”

So the two headed into town. Suga’s mood lightened in the presence of food and a good friend, and soon he had almost forgotten that he was feeling sour in the first place. They ate at a small restaurant, cracking jokes about the cranky vice-principal and their dumb teammates. 

His spirits decided to stay high throughout the next day, and the next, so he sat with his friends and plastered a smile on his face.

Nothing was wrong. 

At least, no one would be able to tell something was wrong. Sometimes, Suga even fooled himself. But once he got home, he couldn’t avoid the problem. So, he threw himself into his work. By the end of the week, he’d completed a math study guide weeks before it was due, revised his literature essay three times, and worked two chapters ahead in every subject. 

Never once did he have time to stop and think about Daichi.

At least, not until he’d completed his work, washed his face, brushed his teeth, donned his pajamas, turned off the lights, and snuggled under the sheets. Only then did he think about his stupid friend and the stupid girl he was going to help “study”. 

Suga couldn’t explain why it pissed him off so severely. 

He would toss and turn all night, sometimes not even getting to sleep until the early hours of the morning. That only served to piss him off more. 

But, all he did was smile and nod every time Daichi brought her up. What else could he do? Forbid him from ever seeing her? Threaten her to stay away? Stalk her to her house and kill her while no one’s looking? 

His next week of pretending was extraordinarily harder than the last. Daichi had already invited her to his house over the weekend so he could see what she needed help on, and he arrived Monday morning with absolutely too much to say about it.

“... and most of it’s not even her fault! She has one of the worst teachers. I had him my first year and it was awful,” Daichi complained. He’d started talking about her as soon as he arrived, and kept droning on and on about his weekend before class began.

“Mmm-hm.” 

“But, yeah, I showed her the website that you showed me. She thought it was really cool! I told her to use it only after she read the text, or else she’d miss a bunch of the basic stuff that’s too easy to be explained on there.”

“Yeah, that’s good advice...” 

“But, I don’t know if she’ll really need it. She’s actually really smart, just stuck with a strict teacher who doesn’t know how to help students, and that’s got her pretty anxious about her grade. I think I’m going to find a practice test online so she won’t be so nervous.” 

The teacher walked in as he was finishing, so he finally terminated the conversation. Daichi had on a stupid grin, so proud of this girl he barely even knew. Suga couldn’t help but weakly lift the corners of his own mouth in reply. It wasn’t a true smile, just a pathetic attempt, but it was enough to satisfy the beaming boy next to him. 

Daichi, thankfully, refrained from bringing the girl up in conversation for the rest of the day, so Suga didn’t have too much trouble maintaining pretenses. 

The school day was uneventful, and practice went as usual. The air outside was cooling, and Suga was pretty sure he’d be caught in the rain on his way home. It was already getting dark as the sweaty teenagers walked out of the gymnasium and into the club room. 

As they were changing, someone’s phone pinged. It was Daichi’s.

“Ooh, is that your girlfriend?” One of the second-years joked. Suga froze. 

“She’s not my girlfriend,” Daichi protested, then leant over to read his text. “Oh, shit! I’m going to be late. Suga, do you mind locking up for me?”

“Sure.”

Daichi pulled on his pants and shoes, tossed the keys over, and ran out of the room before Suga understood what he’d heard. 

Girlfriend. Why did he hate that so much? 

It made his blood boil. The thought of him rushing off to her like that. The thought of them walking together, talking together. The thought of them dancing and laughing, being happy together.

The thought of him holding her hand.

The thought of him kissing her.

Oh. 

Oh, God.

“Hello? Earth to Sugawara?” A hand waved in front of his face. Asahi was standing in front of him. They were alone in the club room. Everyone else had left. How had that happened? 

“Hey,” Asahi continued. “Are you okay? You’re not even dressed yet.”

“Asahi…” Suga’s voice came out shaky. 

“Hey! What’s the matter?” Concerned, Asahi knelt down in front of him, and placed a hand on his shoulders. “Come on, what’s wrong?”

“Asahi… Oh, God…” Suga couldn’t control himself anymore. He couldn’t pretend or run away from it anymore.

Everything that he’d been hiding from for a week was right there for him to see. Suga knew what his problem was. How could he have been so blind? How could he not have known?

A tear fell down his cheek, then another and another.

“Asahi, I think I’m in love with him.”

— — —

_ “And what can I do with that _

_ but pour another glass, _

_ thank the stars _

_ for this sorceress blood _

_ and keep pressing forward. _ ”

_ “Red Wine Spills”  
_ _ L. Ash Williams _

Sugawara Koushi thought the days were getting longer. That was impossible, as they were well into the school year, but it felt like it anyway. Suga came home each day completely exhausted, and woke up feeling not a single bit refreshed. 

He was tired. He was fatigued. He was irritated all the time. Not just with Daichi, but with himself too.

This is why he had that rule in the first place. 

Daichi and the girl were going on dates now. He was always rushing off after practice, asking Suga to watch the other teens and lock up when they left. Everyday, Daichi would talk on and on about her, while Asahi sent sympathetic glances in Suga’s direction. 

Suga used to be mad about it. Now, he was just tired. 

The first time Daichi went out on a date with her, Asahi showed up on Suga’s doorstep with ice cream and fluffy blankets. Suga looked like he’d been crying already, with puffy eyes and a snotty nose, but invited his friend inside anyway. 

When Daichi announced that he’d kissed her for the first time, Asahi showed up again. Suga wouldn’t let him in, so he left the ice cream on the doorstep and walked away with a sigh. 

But, that was all in the past. He was over it. Now, he was just tired. 

Finals were coming up in a month, and Suga was silently glad he’d spent all that time on his studies. Most of his teachers lent him study guides early, thankful for at least one hardworking student, and he’d almost finished everything. 

Soon, he’d run out of work to do. 

A group in his literature class was wanting to host a study session that weekend, and it was about the only thing Suga was looking forward to. He’d even offered that they all come to his house, and he was going to print out some practice tests that they could review. 

The first of his guests arrived a few minutes early. Sato, a short boy with fluffy hair, and a nice girl named Nakano came to the door at the same time. Only a short while later did Ishida show up. 

The other boys hadn’t finished their study guides, so Suga and Nakano were the only ones going through the practice tests together. 

“Suga, how did you phrase your answer for number four? It makes no sense.”

“Oh, I wrote that their break up was symbolic of his apathy towards life in New York, and that she represented all the bad qualities of society there.”

Nakano looked at him, puzzled. “What the hell? Where did you get all that?”

They had Suga’s copy of the novel in front of them, filled with highlights and annotations to the side. He flipped around to a page he’d marked before. “You see here? This is, like, the fifth time she’s lied to him, which proves her dishonesty. And, here in the next chapter, we can make the comparison between her changing interests to the micro-obsessions of society that we saw at the parties earlier.”

“Mmm-hm…”

“So, then when their relationship ends, he not only rejects her but he’s also rejecting life in New York City.”

“Wow,” Nakano said, putting her pencil back on the paper. “You’re so smart, Sugawara.”

He just smiled, and went back to work. Ishida was playing music through his headphones, just loud enough that Suga could pick out the melody and nod along with it. Sato got up and stretched every now and then. The only other sound was the occasional flip of papers and the scratch of pencils. 

After twenty minutes of silence, Sato got up and stretched again. “Look, guys, it’s snowing!” It was just a few flakes, but enough to be exciting. This was the first snowfall of the year. 

“Oh no! I didn’t know it was going to get cold today,” Nakano complained. 

They finally got back on task, Nakano and Suga helping the two boys correct their wrong answers and complete the practice test. When it was time to leave, Sato and Ishida raced out to play in the snow. Sato immediately tried to catch a snowflake on his tongue, but he wasn’t having much success. 

Nakano hung back a bit.

“Something wrong?” Suga asked, trying to recall if he’d missed something that happened earlier.

“No… It’s just going to be a cold walk home.”

He glanced at her. She obviously hadn’t checked the forecast before leaving. The sun was out all morning, but a cold front settled in just after they all arrived at Suga’s house. She had a hat and long pants, but only a light jacket instead of a coat. 

“Here, let me see if I can find you something.”

“Sugawara! You don’t have to do that… I’ll be fine, really.”

“No, no. I can’t have my friend freezing to death,” he said, already having made it to his room and rummaging through his drawers. “Aha! This should be nice and warm!”

He held up a thick sweater, with white and blue stripes. It was a birthday gift he hadn’t had the chance to really wear yet. 

“Sugawara, this is too nice. I can’t accept it.”

“Nonsense! Just take it and give it back to me Monday. I insist,” he said, handing the sweater over. “And, by the way, you can just call me Suga.” 

She blushed. “Well, thank you very much, Suga. I’ll see you Monday.”

Once everyone had left, Suga sat at his desk, watching the snowflakes fall. It had seemed like winter would never come, but here it was. Why did it feel like years since summer had been here? 

Maybe once this year was over, he’d feel better. 

Everything had felt off about time and space, ever since Daichi had met his new girlfriend. Suga felt out of place, and he no longer kept in constant contact with his closest friends. It made the days go by horrifically slow.

Suga sighed, not for the first or the last time that day, and decided he was too bored sitting around like this. He wanted to nap, or read. Anything to keep him from moping around all day. He finally settled on opening a book, allowing himself to get lost in the verses of Sagawa Chika. 

The rest of Saturday ticked by, then Sunday followed suit. 

Soon enough, school was starting, and Suga was sitting absentmindedly next to Daichi and Asahi. Daichi had taken his girlfriend shopping with him, so he could find out what she wanted for Christmas. He had a whole list written down, and was conferring with the two. Asahi was giving good suggestions, like checking catalogues and online stores for coupons. 

Suga really didn’t want to hear about it anymore. “Look, Daichi. Whatever you get her will be fine. Just the fact that you put effort into finding something she likes would be enough.”

“That’s true,” Asahi agreed. “Girls love that kind of thing. You’ll do fine.”

“But I don't want to be fine! I want it to be perfect!” Suga rolled his eyes at that, but Daichi was already too busy going over his list to notice. After a few minutes, he was weighing the pros and cons of a nice necklace versus her favorite band’s new album. Suga stopped paying attention.

“Excuse me, but does anyone know where I can find Sugawara Koushi?” That made his ears perk up, and he looked at the door to Nakano speaking with another one of his classmates. 

“Oh, sure. He’s back there by the window.” 

She made her way over to him, a folded sweater in her arms. “Thank you for letting me borrow this, Suga.”

“No problem! It was the least I could do. Thank you for returning it,” Suga said, a smile on his face. 

She smiled back, a slight blush on her face. “Next time, I’ll check the weather before coming over.”

Suga laughed, replying with, “Well, if it ever happens again, you’re always welcome to borrow something else.” 

The bell rang, so Nakano excused herself, leaving with a smile and a grin. Suga sat back down, shoving the folded sweater into his back so it would fit. 

“Was that Nakano Yua? I didn’t know you two were friends,” Daichi remarked, having finally looked up from his silly lists. 

“We’re in World Literature together. She came over this weekend to study.” Suga had to giggle at that. It probably was a lot more boring than the studying Daichi and his girlfriend were doing, but it was fun for Suga nonetheless. 

“Hm, interesting.”

“Oh, it’s nothing like that, pervert,” Suga said, sticking out his tongue. “Don’t worry, I’m going to stay single and lonely for a very long time.”

Once classes were over for the day, Suga made his way to his World Literature teacher, hoping to get some feedback on what he’d worked on with Nakano. Most of the instructors were used to him popping in by now. 

“Well, all of these look to be correct so far, though I would have liked more textual evidence to prove your point on number four.”

Suga jotted that down on his notepad. “Okay…”

“But, you really have nothing to worry about. Most people wouldn’t make the connection that Jordan was symbolic of life in New York, and that their relationship was representative of his fascination, yet ultimate rejection of it. Even without all the evidence there, I would have given you full points,” his teacher said, handing back the packet.

“Are you sure?”

“Of course. You’ve been putting in a lot of work, and I know you’re studying really hard. I only really take points when it’s evident a student really doesn’t understand, and that’s not you.” 

“Thank you!” Suga smiled. His work was really paying off! He began putting his papers back in his back and heading to leave, but his teacher cut him off.

“Now, Sugawara. I do want to let you know that I appreciate all the hard work and effort you’ve been putting into your studies lately, but a few of the other teachers have expressed some concern.”

“Concern?”

“As in, you might be overworking yourself.”

Suga sat back down. Was it really possible that he was overdoing it? And even so, why was that a problem? He was just prioritizing his education. That couldn’t be bad. 

“Listen, I’ll let you take the final next week since you’re so prepared, and I don’t want you to forget all this content. But then, I want you to relax. Bring a book to class, and I’ll give you a pass to the library.”

Suga couldn’t believe it. What kind of teacher was this? But, all he could say was, “Yes, sir. Thank you.”

He passed the test with flying colors, and took the finals for all his other classes soon after. While most other student’s were just now beginning their study guides, Suga was running errands and spending his time in the library. The only fun part of the day was practice, and even that was tainted by Daichi running off to his girlfriend afterwards.

His World Literature teacher made him track his reading, so he could be awarded extra credit. Not that he needed it. It was a way to keep Suga “relaxing”. He had to turn in his logs every week, and they would chat about what he’d read.

“Ah, Sagawa Chika. How do you like her?” 

“She’s interesting. Lot’s of visceral imagery. I’m planning to study how she compares to her contemporaries in Tokyo.”

“Well, I hope you’re having fun and not just finding another excuse to work.”

“I promise I’m not, sir. Have a good day.”

As he headed out the door, his teacher called after him, “Don’t forget to relax!”

The instructions were simple, but easier said than done. As he walked to the gymnasium for practice, Suga took a deep breath of the cold winter air. Soon, winter would be in full force, then spring, then summer again. 

Soon, he would be okay. He’d be able to relax without having to be told. He’d be able to smile without it being forced. 

  
  


— — —

_ “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.” _

_ “The Great Gatsby”  
_ _ F. Scott Fitsgerald  _

Sugawara Koushi had always loved the holiday season, but this year was different. 

He used to love seeing the couples sharing hot cocoa in cafes, and the parents teaching their children how to make snow angels. Suga would smile at them, and try to imagine himself with his own someone. Someone to sing carols with him, and cozy up to a fire with him. 

Now, instead of some nameless figure, he could only see Daichi.

Suga still smiled at the happy people, but he couldn’t bring himself to daydream about things that couldn’t be. 

Since he’d invited the study group to his house, Nakano had been spending lots of time with him. He welcomed his new friend, who was a nice break from everything that reminded him of Daichi. She’d prepared for the final with him, and even invited him to her house to watch things on TV a few times. 

It was nice to get to know someone new. 

She had invited him out to walk around town and possibly get lunch. With nothing better to do, he accepted her offer. He enjoyed her presence and the easy conversation that followed, so he’d been looking forward to it all day.

They met at a fountain near the center of town, and they quickly found themselves walking the aisles of a quiet bookshop, making small talk. “So, Nakano, what is your family doing for the holidays?”

“Well, my mom’s sister is coming into town,” she said, ducking down to look at a book on a low shelf. “It will be good to see my cousins. We don’t really keep in touch. What about you?”

“We’re going to visit my uncle’s house and see the whole family, but they live close so it’s not a big deal.”

“That sounds nice, though.” She stood up, having decided against buying the book, and asked, “Are you ready to check out?”

Suga purchased a short novel for his mom, and Nakano a few recipe books that she wanted to try, then the two walked out. The air was bitter cold, so they ducked into the nearest store. After exhausting their interest inside, they headed to the next shop, then towards a cafe.

With warm drinks in hand, they sat down. 

“Suga, this has been really fun. I can’t believe we never used to hang out like this,” Nakano said, enjoying a spiced holiday coffee. 

Suga sipped his black coffee. “I know! I really enjoy our time together.”

“Me too!” Nakano smiled in reply, then her eyes sparkled. “So, tell me, Sugawara. Are you going to spend New Year’s with anyone…?”

Suga sighed. “No, I’m not.”

“Well, do you want to? You do like someone, right?”

“Nakano…”

“Come on! Tell me!”

“Fine,” Suga relented. “Just… You have to promise not to laugh at me.”

Nakano nodded her head excitedly, her eyes still glittering. Suga took a nice, long sip of coffee, then began. “Well, he’s the captain of the volleyball team…”

They spent the rest of the day ducking in and out of stores. Nakano kept teasing him for more details about Daichi, so it was only fair Suga asked a few questions of his own. He learned there was a boy in her math class with dreamy hair, who rarely spoke, but apparently was super hot. Nakano was convinced they’d be dating by the time school was out for the summer. 

As Suga made his way home, he noticed something strange.

A smile. A genuine smile was on his face.

How strange, for him to not feel exhausted and heavy. Instead, he felt light, as if he could float away if the breeze blew just a tiny bit harder. 

This was what it felt like to be happy. 

He had almost forgotten. The months of ache and exhaustion had just about scrubbed the memory from his mind. 

When he got home, he smelled something spicy cooking in the kitchen and heard his mom humming along to a song in her head. The house was warm. He changed out of his winter coat, and sat next to a heater in his room. 

His phone buzzed, in his pocket, pulling him out of his trance. Daichi had sent a message to him, Asahi, and Kiyoko.

Suga frowned as he read it. 

“She broke up with me.” That was the message. Within seconds, Asahi replied with an apology and asked if Daichi was okay. Kiyoko followed suit. 

Daichi was still his friend, despite all the hatred and pain Suga felt. He had almost forgotten that as well. 

He clicked on Daichi’s contact, and the phone rang.

“Hello? Daichi?”

There was no immediate answer. Through the phone, Suga heard breathing, but couldn't tell what was going on. 

Daichi finally spoke up, his voice low and soft. “Hey…”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah.” He sounded empty, and tired. “I knew it was coming.”

“Well, it still sucks. What happened?”

“She thinks I’m in love with someone else.”

“What? But, that’s so stupid!” Suga was almost yelling. “Do you want me to go talk some sense into her?”

“No, Suga, it’s fine.” He heard Daichi sigh over the phone. “I mean, she’s not entirely wrong.”

“Oh my God, Daichi!”

“Look,” Daichi said. “I don’t really want to talk about it. But, thank you for calling. I’ll be alright.”

“But…”

The phone call ended before Suga could finish. Daichi had hung up already. He contemplated calling him back, because that's what he would have done before all of this. But, Daichi was an enigma to him now. 

Suga decided against it. He had tried to be a friend, that was the important thing. If Daichi didn’t want that, so be it.

Dinner was almost ready. Daichi’s crisis could wait until afterwards.

Besides that, Sugawara Koushi had been having a great holiday. 

Every day of the next week, he’d woken up with a smile on his face. Then, he’d get out of bed, kiss his mother good morning, and eat breakfast. 

Most days, he’d spend his time picking out presents with his mom. They’d gotten stuff for all his cousins, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Today, she needed to spend some time shopping for him and his father, so Suga was forbidden from tagging along.

When he wasn’t shopping or wrapping gifts, he’d text Asahi or Nakano. They were all busy either out of town with family, or stuck at home with family. From the stories he heard, Suga couldn’t determine if he was happy or sad that he wouldn’t see his own family until closer to the holiday. 

Unfortunately, Daichi wasn’t being talkative. Asahi and Suga would try to lift his spirits, but he was taking the break up with his girlfriend really hard. 

“I’m really worried about him, you know?” Asahi said over the phone. He’d routinely call Suga when they both had down time, and Daichi ended up being the frequent topic of conversation.

“Yeah, I know, but there’s not really much we can do if he doesn’t want to talk about it,” Suga replied. He had put Asahi on speaker so he could wrap his mom’s present at the same time, but it was proving difficult to multitask at the moment.

“Just because he doesn’t want to talk about it doesn’t mean we still can’t cheer him up.”

Suga sighed. “What exactly do you have in mind?”

“I don’t know, but I think we should try to get him out of the house.”

“I mean, yeah. It’s no good for him to mope inside all the time, but you’re out of town and I’m about to be really busy with family soon. Shouldn’t we wait until after the holidays?”

“I guess you’re right,” Asahi trailed off. 

“Do you know if he has any plans?”

“No, he doesn’t really talk to me.”

“Yeah, me neither,” Suga said, placing one last piece of tape down before finishing up the wrapping job. He admired his handiwork before picking up his phone. “Listen, man, I just don’t think there’s much that we can really do.”

“I know, but I want to help…”

“He’s got to do this on his own, Asahi.” 

Suga knew how to deal with heartbreak. Asahi didn’t understand. It was a painful and lonely road, but Suga had found a way to walk it. And, now Daichi had to figure out how to walk it as well. 

The line went quiet for a minute. Suga could hear his front door opening. His mom had gotten back from shopping. 

“Alright, man. I’ve got to go help my mom with presents. Tell me if you hear anything from Daichi.”

“Okay. You have fun.”

“You too. See ya.” Suga smiled goodbye even though his friend couldn’t see him, then clicked to end the call. 

His mom knocked on the door, and opened it. Her hair was messy after being under her winter hat, and she still had on her coat. 

“Hi, sweetheart! Can you grab this for me?” She gestured to the brown bag in her arm. “These are for your dad. I need you to hide them for a bit until I get around to wrapping them.”

Suga laughed, and lifted the bag from his mother’s arms. 

“Was that Asahi I heard on the phone? What a sweet boy. You should invite him over more often.”

“I try, mom.”

“Well, try harder.” She went to leave, but turned back. “Hey, hey! How about you and I spend some time wrapping after dinner?”

“Fine by me,” Suga smiled in reply as his mom shut the door behind her.

A warm soup was ready to eat in a short while. It was something easy to fix, given that most holiday meals were usually so much work, but it smelled and tasted wonderful. Suga loved his mom’s cooking, and the bowl was emptied quickly. 

Suga lingered in the kitchen after everyone else had left, and was put to work scrubbing the dishes. He rolled up his sleeves without complaint, and stationed himself in front of the sink. 

His mom was humming a song from the radio as she dried the bowls. Suga couldn’t recall any of the words, but he recognized the melody. Eventually, his own voice joined her’s.

Once they’d finished, he dried his hands on a towel. His mom rustled his hair as she passed.

“Thank you for helping, sweetie.”

“Of course.”

“Now, would you be a dear and grab the presents?”

Suga nodded and left. As he walked away, a small smile creeped onto his mom’s face. It had been a long time since she’d seen him happy like this. 

He ducked into his room, grabbing the bag he’d stashed earlier at his mom’s request, then waltzed into the storage room. Under a dusty bin of old sheets and towels was another bin full of gift bags and boxes. The last time he’d opened it was after his birthday half a year ago. 

When he returned, his mom had already gotten the rest of her presents and placed them on the table. She grabbed the gifts for Suga’s father and started working as soon as he sat down. Suga chose a present from the pile, a game console for his oldest cousin, and grabbed a box from the bin.

The box rustled as he lifted it up. Suga opened it, curious. He must have accidentally left something in there when he stored it away.

Sure enough, there was a layer of tissue paper inside. As he took the paper out, however, he found something else hiding behind it. 

There was a white envelope, addressed to Sugawara Koushi. 

It was odd. He didn’t remember getting any cards like this. How long had the card been there? He couldn’t even remember who the last person to give him a gift in a box like this was…

Oh. 

It was Daichi. At his birthday party this year, Daichi had handed over a box like this. It was about the same size.

He quickly hid the letter before his mom could see. “Hey, Mom, I’m going to use the restroom before I start. I’ll be right back,” Suga said, excusing himself. 

He almost jogged to the bathroom, envelope in hand. As soon as the door shut, he tore it open, unfolded the letter inside, and began reading. 

— — —

Sugawara Koushi had been in the bathroom for way too long. 

His hands shook, and his eyes watered. His stomach turned and it made him feel sick. 

He read the letter in his hands again and again. 

_ Dear Koushi, _

_ Please wait until we’ve all left to read this. I don’t really want you to read this in front of the others. _

_ Sorry, but this gets a little sappy. _

_ Well, happy birthday! I can’t believe you’re already seventeen, and we’re all going to be third-years now. Time sure does fly. It seems like only yesterday we were joining Kurasuno Volleyball Club after school and shaking like scaredy cats in front of all the older kids. _

_ This will be our last year. I’m looking forward to it! _

_ I've watched you grow all these years, and I know you’re going to be a great Number Two. You’re already such a good friend and teacher to the younger kids, and I’m so glad you decided to go to Kurasuno. What would I do without you? _

_ But, I have to tell you a secret. I’m gay (or bisexual, I don’t really know), and I’ve liked this boy for a really long time.  _

_ He’s on the volleyball team, and he’s so beautiful that he takes my breath away. He makes me laugh like I’ve never laughed before, and he gives me butterflies when he just looks my way. _

_ I think I’m in love with him. _

_ Actually, what I’m trying to say is: I think I’m in love with you, Koushi. _

The letter went on, but Suga couldn’t read past that line. It echoed in his head. 

_ I think I’m in love with you… _

God, why hadn’t he opened this letter months ago? Why didn’t he even check the box before storing it away? Why didn’t Daichi say something?

What could have been avoided?

Suga remembered slamming the club room door in anger and not knowing where all these emotions were coming from. Suga remembered crying into Asahi’s shoulder when he realized he loved Daichi. He remembered eating tubs of ice cream and sobbing alone in his room late at night. 

All that pain. Could it have been different?

_ I think I’m in love with you… _

What the hell was he supposed to do now? Suga kept reading the letter over and over, hoping that maybe it would bring some answers, but he only felt more confused.

Daichi didn’t say anything, this whole time. 

He’d gone and fallen in love with someone else because Suga couldn’t find a stupid little envelope. And, now, he’d probably lost his chance with the boy he loved.

_  
I think I’m in love with you… _

Suga stood there, staring at the piece of paper in his hands, for what felt like a thousand years. 

His breathing gradually calmed down, and his head stopped spinning. He folded the letter gently, tucking it back into the envelope, then flushed the toilet.

When he finally emerged from the bathroom, his mom glanced up with a quizzical look. She’d gotten through a large pile of presents while he was gone, but decided against commenting and went back to work.

Suga sat down silently, and tried his best to behave normally.

He didn’t do anything until late that night. Suga waited patiently as his parents got ready for bed, and watched silently for the lamp in their room to be turned off. After about an hour, he could hear loud snoring. He waited forty more minutes, then judged it was safe.

As quiet as possible, Suga grabbed his shoes and coat from the hall, and gently opened the window in his room. Just to be safe, he created piles to cover with his bedsheets and placed a book on the windowsill to prevent being trapped out. 

Then, he slipped out the window and jogged down the street.

When he’d gotten around the corner and far enough away to have successfully avoided detection, he opened his phone. The screen was so bright it almost blinded him, but he scrolled to his text messages and clicked on Daichi’s name.

He hovered over the contact for just a moment, hesitant, but clicked it anyway.

The phone rang four times before Daichi picked up, his voice groggy. “Suga? What’s up?”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did I wake you?”

“No, I hadn’t fallen asleep yet.”

“Okay, good.” Suga came to a stop sign, looked both ways despite the lack of traffic at midnight, and jogged across the street. A car way off in the distance honked, but that was the only other sound.

“Where are you? It sounds like you’re running.”

“I am.”

“What? Why? It’s half past midnight.”

“I’ll be at your house in a few minutes.”

He could hear Daichi scramble in the background. “Suga, are you crazy? What are you doing? Go home and get in bed.”

Suga turned the corner onto Daichi’s street, replying, “Too late. I’m almost at your doorstep.”

Daichi groaned, but relented. “Fine… Let me get my shoes. I’ll be out in a minute.”

The call ended. Suga was already close to the house, but he picked up the pace. He waited for what seemed like an eternity, but Daichi eventually lifted his window and crawled out. He had on a thick sweater, but also wrapped himself in a fluffy blanket.

“Okay, what the hell is this about?” Daichi asked, finally jogging up to where Suga stood on the sidewalk. His breath fogged up in the air.

“Um,” Suga glanced down. He didn’t want to look Daichi in the eyes. Slowly, he reached into his coat pocket and pulled out the white envelope.

Daichi gasped quietly. 

Suga began to speak. “I found it today. It had fallen behind the tissue paper and I didn’t see it before storing it away.”

Daichi sat down on the cold grass. “Did you read it?”

“Yes.”

“And?”

Daichi refused to look his way, staring intently ahead at the house across the street. Suga’s voice softened. “Is it true?”

_I think I’m in love with you…_

Daichi laughed, but still kept his eyes forward. “Of course it’s true. You think I’d lie about that?”

“No. I was just checking…” Suga sat down beside the other boy with a huff, his own breath creating clouds in the air. 

Daichi scooted away, just a little, but enough that Suga noticed.

“Daichi…”

Suga watched his face. No response.

“Daichi, look at me. Please.”

Again, nothing. 

“Fine, you don’t have to look at me. Just listen to what I have to say, yeah?”

Suga took a shaky breath. 

“Daichi, I’m sorry I didn’t read your letter earlier. I didn’t mean to ignore it, and I probably made you feel like shit. I’m real sorry about that. I could have saved us a whole lot of trouble, but it’s done now.”

Suga looked up at the stars. He didn’t want to say this next part, and he didn’t want to see Daichi’s reaction when he said it anyway.

“But, the truth is… I didn’t need the letter to fall in love with you, but I was too late by the time I realized.” Suga’s voice shook, and he closed his eyes, but he continued. “By the time I figured it all out, you were already talking to her.”

“Suga…”

“No. Let me finish.” He took a deep breath. “I didn’t say anything because you were happy. It hurt and it felt like shit, but I didn’t say anything. You were happy with her, and that was important. And, I made my peace with it. I was okay. 

“But then, today, I find this letter, and I realize that we could have had a chance. That I could have been happy all these months instead of feeling like shit, if I’d just figured it all out sooner. And right now, I’m really confused and I have about a thousand questions that need answering…” Suga’s breathing grew erratic and he felt tears well up in his eyes, which he kept firmly shut. 

He felt another hand grab his. Daichi’s voice was low and soft. “Ask me your questions.”

Suga took another deep breath, sniffling.

“Daichi… Do you still love me?”

Suga felt the hand holding his stiffen, and heard Daichi turn towards him. Suga opened his eyes, seeing Daichi’s red nose and tear-stained face. Daichi’s grip tightened around his hand.

“Koushi, I never stopped loving you.”

Suga sat up, his eyes wide. Daichi was smiling, softly. 

In that moment, with the two of them sitting in the cold, Suga could feel the Earth stop turning and time slowing down. His eyes welled with more tears, and his body shuddered, either from happiness or from cold. 

In one swift movement, Daichi tugged Suga close, holding him against his own body as the tears started falling. His arms wrapped around Suga, pulling him under the blanket with Daichi. 

Though the air was freezing around them, Suga felt so warm in Daichi’s embrace. 

“Listen, Koushi,” Daichi said, pulling back for a moment. “I didn’t move on from you. Not really.”

Suga sniffled. “So why did you do it? Why did you date her if you loved me?”

“Because not being with you made me sad. Because she made me happy. Because I thought I could learn to love her like I love you,” he said. Daichi’s hand squeezed Suga’s underneath the blanket. “But, I never did.” 

Daichi sniffed. “When she started talking to me, it just felt good to have someone pay attention to me like that. But, I knew I wasn’t in it like she was, and I knew I didn’t love her like I wanted to. She figured it out eventually.”

Daichi’s face turned away, his nose pink and his cheeks flushed for cold. Suga was sure he looked worse. 

“I’m sorry, Daichi.”

“It’s okay. I’m okay now.”

He brought his free hand up to Daichi’s face. It was warm from being under the blanket and Daichi’s freezing skin stung when they touched, but he didn’t pull away. 

Sugawara Koushi didn’t want to pull away ever again. 

Instead, he pulled Daichi closer, whispering, “Is this what you want?” 

Daichi nodded quickly. Suga closed his eyes, and the distance between them was gone in an instant. Daichi’s lips were so cold against his own, but he didn’t care one bit.

The two of them were warm

They were as warm as the summer he realized he was in love, and as warm as every sunrise and sunset after that. 

They were together, in that moment and in that warmth. It didn’t matter what had happened before, and it didn’t matter what was going to happen after.

The two pulled away, their heavy breath fogging in the air. Suga opened his eyes. A cool breeze swept over the two of them, but Sufa stayed smiling. Because there, underneath that blanket, in the midnight air, with Daichi beside him:

Sugawara Koushi was smiling.

  
  
  


_ “The snow will disappear _

_ And laurel flowers and red lilies will bloom in the valley _

_ Creating a covering of green _

_ In the nettles, too, the slow summer will lurk _

_ And in our hearts _

_ How beautiful the flames that will flare up in a ring” _

_ “Mountain Range” _

_ Sagawa Chika _

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for reading! I worked very hard on this.
> 
> This work is dedicated to Honey, who is both a motivating force and a contemporary of mine. 
> 
> I highly suggest you look into all the art referenced and quoted here. I was brought so much inspiration by them as i struggled with words and ideas, and this work wouldn’t be the same without any of them. 
> 
> Again, much love and thank you all for reading.


End file.
